Don't hope. Decide!

Found this lovely story that i think is worth sharing. 

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While waiting to pick up a friend at the airport in Portland, Oregon, I had one of those life-changing experiences that you hear other people talk about — the kind that sneaks up on you unexpectedly. This one occurred a mere two feet away from me. Straining to locate my friend among the passengers deplaning through the jet way, I noticed a man coming toward me carrying two light bags. He stopped right next to me to greet his family.


 

First he motioned to his youngest son (maybe six years old) as he laid down his bags. They gave each other a long, loving hug. As they separated enough to look in each other’s face, I heard the father say, “It’s so good to see you, son. I missed you so much!” His son smiled somewhat shyly, averted his eyes and replied softly, “Me, too, Dad!” Then the man stood up, gazed in the eyes of his oldest son (maybe nine or ten) and while cupping his son’s face in his hands said, “You’re already quite the young man. I love you very much, Zach!” They too hugged a most loving, tender hug. While this was happening, a baby girl (perhaps one or one-and-a-half) was squirming excitedly in her mother’s arms, never once taking her little eyes off the wonderful sight of her returning father. The man said, “Hi, baby girl!” as he gently took the child from her mother. He quickly kissed her face all over and then held her close to his chest while rocking her from side to side. The little girl instantly relaxed and simply laid her head on his shoulder, motionless in pure contentment. After several moments, he handed his daughter to his oldest son and declared, “I’ve saved the best for last!” and proceeded to give his wife the longest, most passionate kiss I ever remember seeing. He gazed into her eyes for several seconds and then silently mouthed. “I love you so much!” They stared at each other’s eyes, beaming big smiles at one another, while holding both hands. 


For an instant they reminded me of newlyweds, but I knew by the age of their kids that they couldn’t possibly be. I puzzled about it for a moment then realized how totally engrossed I was in the wonderful display of unconditional love not more than an arm’s length away from me. I suddenly felt uncomfortable, as if I was invading something sacred, but was amazed to hear my own voice nervously ask, “Wow! How long have you two been married? “Been together fourteen years total, married twelve of those.” he replied, without breaking his gaze from his lovely wife’s face. “Well then, how long have you been away?” I asked. The man finally turned and looked at me, still beaming his joyous smile. “Two whole days!” Two days? I was stunned. By the intensity of the greeting, I had assumed he’d been gone for at least several weeks – if not months. I know my expression betrayed me. I said almost offhandedly, hoping to end my intrusion with some semblance of grace (and to get back to searching for my friend), “I hope my marriage is still that passionate after twelve years!” The man suddenly stopped smiling. He looked me straight in the eye, and with forcefulness that burned right into my soul, he told me something that left me a different person. He told me, “Don’t hope, friend… decide!” Then he flashed me his wonderful smile again, shook my hand and said, “God bless!” 



 

Things I have learned

I’ve learned- that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them. 

I’ve learned- that no matter how much I care, some people just don’t care back. 

I’ve learned- that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it. 

I’ve learned- that no matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that. 

I’ve learned- that it’s not WHAT you have in your life but WHO you have in your life that counts.  

I’ve learned- that you shouldn’t compare yourself to the best others can do.

I’ve learned- that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I’ve learned- that it’s taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I’ve learned- that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them. 

I’ve learned- that you can keep going long after you can’t. 

I’ve learned- that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel. 

I’ve learned- that either you control your attitude or it controls you. 

I’ve learned- that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place. 

I’ve learned- that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences. 

I’ve learned- that money is a lousy way of keeping score. 

I’ve learned- that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time. 

I’ve learned- that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down will be the ones to help you get back up. 

I’ve learned- that sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel. 

I’ve learned- that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love. 

I’ve learned- that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have. 

I’ve learned- that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had and what you’ve learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated. 

I’ve learned- that you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it. 

 I’ve learned- that it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you are to learn to forgive yourself. 

I’ve learned- that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn’t stop for your grief. 

I’ve learned- that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become. 

I’ve learned- that a rich person is not the one who has the most, but is one who needs the least. 

I’ve learned- that just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. And just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do. 

I’ve learned- that we don’t have to change friends if we understand that friends change. 

I’ve learned- that you shouldn’t be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever. 

I’ve learned- that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different. 

I’ve learned- that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process. 

I’ve learned- that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being. 

I’ve learned- that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon. 

I’ve learned- that it’s hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people’s feelings, and standing up for what you believe. 

I’ve learned- that people will forget what you said, and people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. 

Long distance marriage

Recently, i've got a private message from one of my FB friends. I never knew her. But she said she is kawan kepada my friend. Sama-sama belajar di UK dulu. Dulu memang suka main approve je sape2. Haha..

Anyways, tujuan dia send message tu sebab nak tanya pendapat. Hoho.. Suspen.

She is about to get married. But then, nanti terpaksa berjauhan dengan suami sebab dia keje di utara, suami kerja di selatan. Dia tanya pendapat aku, ok kah macam tu? Long distance relationship ni macam mana? Susah ke?

Hmmm.. kalau dia tanya pada aku soalan ni pada tahun lepas, mungkin dengan bangganya aku akan jawab.. "Nothing to worry lah.. as long as you two love each other, nothing can gets between you". Seriusly. Itu yang aku rasa dan fikir pada waktu tu. Aku ketawakan mereka yang baru sebulan berpisah tapi dah timbul konflik. Apa la dorang ni, tak pandai bertolak ansur la tu. Kata aku pada waktu tu.

Ramai orang pandang aku as a QUEEN OF JARAK JAUH. One of my friends pernah mintak izin untuk jadikan cerita aku sebagai penguat semangat kepada kawannya yang sedang berjarak jauh dengan suami. Katanya hidup aku lebih mencabar. Dengan anak kembar dan suami jauh di Labuan. Haha.. aku kata ok saje. Dapat jadi inspirasi dan sumber kekuatan orang lain, why not?

Dan kali ini, seorang lagi wanita memerlukan pendapat daripada pengalaman aku yang secebis ini.

I asked her. Do you want me to tell the whole truth? Do you really want to know?

So i told her.

Everything was beautiful at first. I cried everytime kami nak berpisah di airport atau stesen bas. I cried at nights when i was missing him. Even though we were apart, but it's nice to know that you have someone on the other side of the world who is also missing and loving you. And thinking of you. As much as you are thinking of him. And setiap kali berjumpa, usually after 2-4 weeks tak jumpa, we were like pengantin baru all over again. So madly deeply in love.

But then, all of these sweet lovey dovey thing started to change when our twins came into the picture. I was superly busy with my twins, i don't even have time for myself, let alone for him. He started to feel neglected. And i didn't even realise  it. I always thought, it's ok. My husband knows how busy i am. How hectic my life is. With two babies to handle. He surely understands. I didn't realize it until one day he told me that he actually felt lonely. And it hit me like a bomb.

As the time passed by, our life has become so routined. I know i have mentioned this routine word quite a lot, but i can't help it, because it is so true. So i told this girl, don't ever let your life become so highly routined that you bored your partner to death. Do something to break your routine once in a while. Have some odds in between. Renew your love. Renew your feelings. Cause the feeling is not gonna stay the same after some period of time.

Hidup rutin ni memang tak boleh nak elak. It will happen to everyone. Sooner or later. Samada disedari atau tidak. Semua orang hidupnya sangat lah rutin. Tapi jangan biarkan ia tenggelamkan bahagia dan perasaan cinta itu.

And one of her concerns is that, zaman sekarang ni kes curang terlampau berleluasa. Sehingga menjadi kebiasaan pulak. So macam mana? She asked. Jeng Jeng Jeng! Aku pun tak mampu nak jawab soalan tu. Tinggal jauh bukan penentu pasangan akan curang atau tak. Duduk sebumbung pun bukan jaminan pasangan akan setia. Kalau tinggal jauh, tapi dia jujur, dia cinta dia kasih setulus hati, dia tetap akan setia. Tapi kalau duduk sebumbung tapi semua nilai2 tu takde, dia tetap akan curang. Jadi, kesimpulannya, TAWAKAL. Yes, tawakal sahaja yang mampu awk buat dik. Marriage is a gamble. Berani atau tidak untuk ambil risiko.

And lastly i told her.. Kahwin ni best. Best gilerrrrr! Rugi kalau awak tolak untuk berkahwin. Tapi, cuba sedaya upaya untuk duduk sekali. Sebab jarak jauh ni melanggar fitrah perkahwinan. Sesuatu yang melanggar fitrah will usually mendatangkan keburukan. So, usaha yer.

Hmmm.... Tak tau la nasihat aku ni betul ke tidak. Membantu dia ke tidak. Takpe, tunggu je. Kalau sampai invitation tu Alhamdulillah la.. haha..

Tapi kalau tanya aku sejujurnya, I STRONGLY AGAINST LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP! SAY NO TO LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP!

2 VS 102

2 VS 102

Kerap ku bertanya pada diri.

Berbaloikah melupakan 102 bulan, hanya kerana 2 bulan itu?

Betulkah aku mahu korbankan 102 bulan, hanya kerana 2 bulan itu?

102 bulan yang membawa seribu makna. Pada aku sekurangnya. Walau berselang noda dan dosa. Ia tetap lakaran kehidupan yang aku coretkan di saat hati bahagia. Di saat kita bahagia. Mahukah aku lupakan? Mahukah aku hilangkan?

2 bulan yang durjana itu. Aku pun tak tahu. Pentingkah? Bermakna kah? bukan bagi aku. Tapi bagi kau. Soalan ini aku tanya pada kau. Bermaknakah 2 bulan itu? Berbaloikah? Besar risiko yang engkau letakkan. Namun kau tetap lakukan. Di mana letak hatimu? Di mana letak cintamu? Di mana letak kasihmu? Yang pasti, bukan pada aku.

Aku masih bertanya.

Berbaloikah? Walau aku tahu jawapannya mesti lah tidak. Tapi mengapa hati seakan tidak mahu menerima.

Aku boleh memaksa diri. Berlakon. Agar kalian bahagia. Walau aku tertanya, adakah ada bahagian bahagia itu untukku? Mungkin ada. Cuma waktunya belum tiba. 

Teruskan menanti. Teruskan mencuba. Kalau tiada hasilnya jua, sekurangnya aku mungkin mendapat pahala atas dasar aku mencuba. Mungkin bahagianku bukan di dunia. Ku harap adalah nanti di syurga. Kerana Allah itu Maha Adil. Tak mungkin kan ku tahu nikmat bahagia, jika tidak pernah merasa derita.

Tabahlah hati. Walaupun kau derita, tak bermakna kau harus menjadi punca derita mereka. Mereka kasihku. Mereka sayangku. Jadilah punca mereka berbahagia. Jadilah punca kekuatan mereka. Mungkin dengan jalan itu, kau akan temui bahagia. 

I didn't love my wife when we got married

I came across this article just when i need it. I'm glad it's actually not only us that feel this way. Others experience it too. It's the time we change our definition of love. 

I’m a ridiculous, emotional, over-sentimental sap.  I guess that’s why I told my wife I loved her on our second date.

 I had tried really hard up to that point to hold it back, honestly.  I wanted to tell her on the first date, but I knew that would probably be weird.

 I still remember her reaction.  She kind of gave me this half-shy, half-amused smile.  Then she nodded and looked off into the sky. 

I wasn’t heartbroken by the response.  I think part of me recognized that she was much smarter and more modest than me.

 But as time has gone on, I also realized that she knew something that I didn’t. 

Like most Hasidic Jews (we both became religious later in life), our dating period lasted a very short time.  After two months of dating, we were engaged.  Three months after that, we were married. 

And that whole time I was swooning.  This fire was burning in me, a fire that burned just like that second date: I was in love. 

But then we got married, and everything changed. 

Marriage, quicker than I was ready for, did this thing: it started sucking away that emotion. 

I tried so hard to keep that fire going, to keep that emotion alight, but it got harder and harder.

 I mean, how you can feel that burning love when you’re sitting at the table discussing how to use the last twenty dollars in your bank account?

 How can you feel it when you get into an argument? 

How can you feel it when you think it makes perfect sense to put your socks on the floor after you’re done with them, and she has this crazy idea that they need to go in the laundry basket? 

There was no way I could keep that dating fire burning as practicality invaded our lives. 

And at first, it drove me nuts.  That emotion meant love!  That excitement was how I knew I cared for her!  But suddenly, life was this grind.  Even when I was with her.  Especially when I was with her.

 And even worse, it seemed that the harder I tried to be sentimental and lovey-dovey, the less it was reciprocated.

 But it wasn’t that she wasn’t giving me love, it just seemed to come at different times. 

Like, when I offered to do the dishes.  Or make dinner after she had a hard day.  Or, once we had a daughter, when I shared the responsibility of watching over her. 

I don’t think I noticed this consciously for a while.  It just kept happening.

 But I think it had an effect on me.  Because as our marriage progressed, I found myself offering to help out around the house more and more.

 And after each time, there would be this look she would give me.  This look of absolute love.  One that was soft and so beautiful.

 It took me longer than I care to admit to understand what was happening.

 But eventually it became clear.  Through giving, through doing things for my wife, the emotion that I had been so desperately seeking naturally came about.  It wasn’t something I could force, just something that would come about as a result of my giving.

 In other words, it was in the practicality that I found the love I was looking for.

 And what was even more interesting was that once I realized this on a conscious level, and started trying to find more opportunities to give, the more we both, almost intuitively, became lovey-dovey. 

And now, as I’m a bit older and a bit more experienced with this relationship, I’ve finally come to realize something. Something I haven’t wanted to admit for a long time, but is undeniable. 

I didn’t love my wife on that second date.

 I didn’t love her when we got engaged.

 I didn’t even love her when we got married. 

Because love isn’t an emotion.  That fire I felt, it was simply that: emotional fire.  From the excitement of dating a woman I felt like I could marry.  But it wasn’t love. 

No, love isn’t an emotion or even a noun.  It’s a verb.  Better defined as giving.  As putting someone else’s needs above your own. 

Why wasn’t I getting reciprocal lovey-doveyness when we were first married?  Because it wasn’t for her.  It was for me.  An emotion I had in my chest. 

And even when I let it out of my chest, it wasn’t love. 

Being sappy isn’t love.  Telling someone you love them doesn’t mean that you do.

 And that’s why my wife just gave me that half-smile.  She knew, even if I didn’t, what love really is.

 And now that I’ve tried to change the way I look at love, the more I become shocked at the messages of love I had gotten when I was younger.

 From Disney movies to my favorite shows like “The Office” to practically every pop song released, love is constantly sold as an emotion we have before we’re married.  An emotion that, once had, somehow magically stays within a marriage forever.

 I can’t imagine a bigger lie.  And I’m saddened to think about how much those messages bounced around in my head for so long.  And how much I’m sure those messages are bouncing around in other people’s heads as well.

 I think that might be a big part of the reason the divorce rate is so high in this country.  Imagine a whole nation of people constantly chasing the emotions they had when they were dating.  A country of people trying to live a Disney movie. 

That’s a recipe for disastrous marriages; for a country with a 50% divorce rate;  for adultery (the classic attempt to turn the fire back on); for people who do stay together to simply live functional, loveless marriages.

 It’s sad to see just how common all the above is.  How many people are in pain simply because they’ve been lied to. 

Those people deserve better.  We all deserve better.

 It’s time that we changed the conversation about love.  It’s time that we redefine it.

 Because until we do, adultery will continue to be common.  Loveless marriages.  Divorce. 

Living Disney movies in our minds, and tragedies in our lives.

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 Everything just make sense now. Antara ayat yang paling terkesan di jiwa aku adalah,

"I think that might be a big part of the reason the divorce rate is so high in this country.  Imagine a whole nation of people constantly chasing the emotions they had when they were dating.  A country of people trying to live a Disney movie."


I was wondering, where did the sparks go? The sparks between us that we used to have when we were dating. Kenapa lepas kahwin, the sparks are all gone? Now i get the answer. 

After we get married, our definition of love should also change. Tak boleh expect the same feelings masa bercinta lagi dah. Sekarang lebih banyak tanggungjawab, lebih banyak tanggung masalah, lebih2 lagi bila ada anak, kena fikir dan layan pasal anak lagi. Of course memang takkan sama macam zaman bercinta where it was all about us. Only us. Me and You. I love you. You love me. And it is all that matters.

We were frustrated memikirkan kenapa the fire has gone. How and when? How could it even possible? Dulu masa before kawin, selalu dengar pesanan, lepas kawin nanti semua takkan sama mcm bercinta. Tapi i told myself, Nope.. we are not gonna be like the others. We are different. My love for him is so strong i could never had enough. 

Now that i realized it's not only us, it makes me feel better. But, i don't know if there's still hope for us. I could only pray. 

Because he is my husband. And i'm not perfect either.

He is a human. He is my Husband. He is the father of my children. He is not perfect. But he promised me. He made me fall in love with him over and over again. I could never get enough of that. ( I want more please? hehe)  Because of that, i will accept. I will accept the invitation. Just for this once. And let God handles the rest. :)